Dec. 24th, 2011

honeybearbee: (disney: scrooge)
Glitter Graphics

Christmas Glitter

I hope everyone has a safe and happy holiday season! <3

Last night on Twitter I posted, "sometimes i wonder if i have met my 'other half' and just don't know it yet". I've been thinking about a boyfriend/girlfriend a lot. Ever since my uncle had that heart attack and I got crazy worried about my mom dying and leaving me all alone. Alone, is the key word. I don't want to be alone forever, but I'm afraid I would be.

Like, I don't meet people, not in "real life" anyway. I don't know why anyone would want to date me, but Ryan does (that guy from my WoW guild). However, we don't talk all that much anymore. He plays SWTOR a lot and I messaged him last on FB. I guess I could try again. And I dated Jason (from HS who is now message me again) and Rachel (<3), but I don't know. Talking to people is hard. :( I'm pretty awkward and nerdy, like a specific type of nerdy too. I don't think I'm that pretty, especially not with all my facial hair (damn genetics, fuck me over every time).

And when I think about being intimate, I freak out. I'm 26 and never been kissed, which is fine, but doesn't lessen my anxiety about anything. Ideally, I think I'd like my first time to be with a woman, since I'm much more at ease with them. But they can be just as sketchy as men. :/ I don't know. I'm sure I'll think about this stuff as I get closer to 30.

My cousin Andrea came out like a year or two ago, which is great for her. I don't know if I ever could come out to anyone besides my mom. My grandma might understand about Andrea (her favorite), but she wouldn't about me. I think my whole family would give me shit about it and ignore me, but if it's Andrea, well that's ok. :/ I might as well just write a book about all my family drama and come out that way. *sigh*

Anyway, that was pretty emo for Christmas! XD I'm off to finish backing cookies with my mom! :D Have a good day tomorrow everyone!


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